I am a mean person, I am horrible, and I am very selfish. This is a crude admission of guilty as you can tell dear
reader. But it’s honest…so there it is. Now why would I make such an admission
of guilt and on such a public medium? I hope that someone can render advice to me.
You see, many years ago I set out
to become my own personal best. That meant that I had to learn things that I
had forgotten and in doing so I learned things that I never knew, but when I
learned them it felt like I was remembering but not really learning for the
first time, anyway. I had to do this. I felt like I owed it to myself to make
me the best me I could be, and besides I have children now and who wants some
old has been, or some nobody telling them what to do. I don’t, so fixing me
apparently became my only recourse.
I was hurt, abused, assaulted,
and pretty much left in a mental ditch to become part of the landscape of my
own cerebral abyss. The death of everything good about me seemed evident. I
looked at the drugs, and alcohol use of other people and overall crazy in a brand new light and realized
with some help that I had a choice and did not have to choose the life that others
chose for me but I could make other choices. The nerve of me! I made it clear
that I did not want this for me. I stated firmly that if this is
something you want that’s fine, But I don't want your quick fixes. I am trying get to
the root of the issues and you are spraying the leaves. I wasn't counting them out but rather counting me in.
My work is not done. I don’t think
it can be, but I am closer now than ever before. And what do I get in return, you ask?
Nothing. Nothing but heart ache and obstacles
all because I wanted better for me. It seems as though the more you want for
you the angrier people around you become and the more you want to have the more some people show they don’t want
you to have it. It seems eerily ironic.
I have lost friends, family
members and several close relationships because of my want for betterment. People no longer want to come over. The phone yells its silence at me and I am
aching with despair on the inside. But on the outside I have to keep going
because as I have already stated I am not done yet.
My questions to you dear readers
are… How and why did this happen? Was I wrong for not wanting pain and dysfunctions
as my three meals a day regime? My palette is slightly more…sophisticated. Is
it wrong to give people room to grow while you grow and get mad at them when
they refuse? Is it such a travesty to wake up and be deliriously happy not with
what you have but who you are and what you have accomplished despite insurmountable
odds and hardships? And finally, what
does it mean to want to better yourself if you cannot better the understandings
of those near and dear to you while you grow and mature into the person YOU
want to be.
I offer hope and possibilities to
people who are hopeless and just impossible to deal with, and if you knew them
you would see that this is not a judgment but a fact. Having said this I know it
really shouldn't matter how they feel only how I feel but, then the question
becomes - Why do I feel so badly? I know I am trying to do the right thing.
What good is it to gain the world
but lose your soul, right? But what is it to gain your soul and lose people you
love in the world. Is it all in vain? I refuse to think so. I have never golfed
or skied, but the one thing these sports have in common is the fact that you
can only do it with one person on the ski and one person with the golf club.
This is how I feel about this situation I am facing. One day there may be a tournament
and maybe then I will see them. Some roads in life you have to travel alone or at
best with people who know the direction you’re going even then, they will just
point and let you be on your way…alone.
What do you think?
