Too Much of the Same

Someone once said,” familiarity brings about problems”. I have always been adamantly against this though; for the need to want to be around people like me just made sense and was the most practical to me. I mean really who wants to be around a bunch of people to whom one is completely different from with no real commonality except we are human and share earth together.

But life… oh life has taught me differently, life has taught me that there really can be too much of a good thing especially when it is the same thing. I have found that what is mistaken within this is idea about life is that there is no voice of reason. There is no voice of reason because everyone is doing the same thing with the same kind of like minded people.  Everyone in this familiar group is always right because to admit a wrong is both collective and personal and let’s face it - no one wants to be wrong so in this way they are all wrong and because they are wrong as a group to them it looks a lot like right.

So the moral of this story is that I now mix it up, and I do so on purpose. Life is about learning and it’s really hard to learn new things when you have had the same kinds of teachers. Having a variety of friends, co-workers, and loved ones with an assortment of ideas on and about life can teach us volumes not only about ourselves but also the rest of the world in which we live. I am not talking about changing your ideas but learning about how they got there to begin with by learning from other people.

The Lost Of All, To Find The One

I am a mean person, I am horrible, and I am very selfish. This is a crude admission of guilty as you can tell dear reader. But it’s honest…so there it is. Now why would I make such an admission of guilt and on such a public medium? I hope that someone can render advice to me.

You see, many years ago I set out to become my own personal best. That meant that I had to learn things that I had forgotten and in doing so I learned things that I never knew, but when I learned them it felt like I was remembering but not really learning for the first time, anyway. I had to do this. I felt like I owed it to myself to make me the best me I could be, and besides I have children now and who wants some old has been, or some nobody telling them what to do. I don’t, so fixing me apparently became my only recourse.  

I was hurt, abused, assaulted, and pretty much left in a mental ditch to become part of the landscape of my own cerebral abyss. The death of everything good about me seemed evident. I looked at the drugs, and alcohol use of other people and overall crazy in a brand new light and realized with some help that I had a choice and did not have to choose the life that others chose for me but I could make other choices. The nerve of me! I made it clear that I did not want this for me. I stated firmly that if this is something you want that’s fine, But I don't want your quick fixes. I am trying get to the root of the issues and you are spraying the leaves. I wasn't counting them out but rather counting me in.

My work is not done. I don’t think it can be, but I am closer now than ever before.  And what do I get in return, you ask? Nothing.  Nothing but heart ache and obstacles all because I wanted better for me. It seems as though the more you want for you the angrier people around you become and the more you want  to have the more some people show they don’t want you to have it. It seems eerily ironic.

I have lost friends, family members and several close relationships because of my want for betterment.  People no longer want to come over.  The phone yells its silence at me and I am aching with despair on the inside. But on the outside I have to keep going because as I have already stated I am not done yet.

My questions to you dear readers are… How and why did this happen? Was I wrong for not wanting pain and dysfunctions as my three meals a day regime? My palette is slightly more…sophisticated. Is it wrong to give people room to grow while you grow and get mad at them when they refuse? Is it such a travesty to wake up and be deliriously happy not with what you have but who you are and what you have accomplished despite insurmountable odds and hardships?  And finally, what does it mean to want to better yourself if you cannot better the understandings of those near and dear to you while you grow and mature into the person YOU want to be.

I offer hope and possibilities to people who are hopeless and just impossible to deal with, and if you knew them you would see that this is not a judgment but a fact. Having said this I know it really shouldn't matter how they feel only how I feel but, then the question becomes - Why do I feel so badly? I know I am trying to do the right thing.

What good is it to gain the world but lose your soul, right? But what is it to gain your soul and lose people you love in the world. Is it all in vain? I refuse to think so. I have never golfed or skied, but the one thing these sports have in common is the fact that you can only do it with one person on the ski and one person with the golf club. This is how I feel about this situation I am facing. One day there may be a tournament and maybe then I will see them. Some roads in life you have to travel alone or at best with people who know the direction you’re going even then, they will just point and let you be on your way…alone.

What do you think?